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Religious Jokes

#1 · April 11, 2020, 9:07 pm

This section is for jokes about Religion, such as this example below I keep having to track back down....

The water level is quickly rising, but he has faith that the lord will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails on up.

"Hey there," he says. "Need a lift?"

The priest shakes his head. "No, for I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need."

The rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest. As he's struggling, a large motorboat rides up with a young couple on it.

"Hey!" the man says. "Jump on, we'll take you to safety!"

The priest again shakes his head. "No, I have faith that the lord will save me. Find those more in need."

The couple heads off. The water is now up to the priest's neck, and he's having issues staying afloat. A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him.

"Grab my hand!" the captain yells. "We gotta get out of here!"

"No!" The priest yells. "There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!"

Reluctantly, the rescue boat rides off. Sadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with... he goes under, and he never comes up.

He finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself.

"Lord," the priest says, "I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!"

"What are you talking about?" God replies. "I tried like three times!"

#2 · April 11, 2020, 9:09 pm

A degenerate man is walking along train tracks, swigging at his beer. Walking along until he slips, locking one of his feet under a track.

All of a sudden, he hears a train approaching. He tries frantically to get his foot out - but to no avail.

At long last, he begins to plead with God.

"God, I know I'm a sinner - but I really don't want to die like this. Please God help me get my foot unstuck! Please God, save me!"

With his foot still stuck, and the train not getting any further away, he begins to plead with God more frantically.

"Please God!! I'll give up women."

No Luck.

"I'll give up drinking - I'll give up gambling"

"Please - Please - Please God - Please help me get my foot loose. I can't die like this Lord!"

With the train moments from hitting him, and the man at a point where he was just about to give up, he manages to pull his foot loose and narrowly dodges the train.

He dusts himself off, picks up his half-empty bottle of beer and looks up at the sky smugly.

"Never-mind God, I got it out myself."